


Why am I like this?

by NavyKangaroo59



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Maybe more than a friend...?, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is tired, Self-Hatred, Sirius Black is a Good Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:13:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavyKangaroo59/pseuds/NavyKangaroo59
Summary: Remus hated when he felt like this.Anxious, grouchy, like every bad thought in his head was magnified.He hated it. He hated himself.He’d woken up normally enough. Gone to breakfast with his mates: chatted with them, laughed with them, felt ok.Then midway through the day, in the middle of lunch, he crashed.I've never done a content warning, but this has a lot of anxious thoughts in it that verge on self-hatred. No mentions of self harm however.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 35





	Why am I like this?

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any corrections or suggestions, please leave them below :)

Remus hated when he felt like this.

Anxious, grouchy, like every bad thought in his head was magnified.

He was still tired from the full moon, and while his body was physically healed, he was mentally exhausted. Weeks of worrying about the full moon always came crashing down on him for a few days afterwards, and he had maybe a week of feeling normal before he started worrying about the next full moon. A vicious cycle.

He hated it. He hated himself.

He’d woken up normally enough. Gone to breakfast with his mates: chatted with them, laughed with them, felt ok.

Then midway through the day, in the middle of lunch, he crashed.

All noises around him suddenly became too loud and he felt frustrated because WHY wouldn’t everyone just SHUT UP.

He picked at his eggs; he wasn’t hungry anymore.

“What do you think Moony?” They were all looking at him. _No please don’t talk to me I don’t want to be here please just leave me alone._ Remus forced a grimace, “What was that sorry?”

“James is gonna serenade Lily during dinner tonight, what do you think?” Peter looked gleeful; Remus couldn’t stand it. _No. That’s your friend. You don’t hate him. He’s your friend. You’re a pile of shit for thinking that in the first place. You don’t deserve these friends._ Remus sighed and went back to picking at his food. “Do whatever you want James.”

Their smiles were replaced with looks of concern and hurt. _Shit Remus you idiot now you’ve upset them why do you have to take it out on them it’s not their fault_.

“You ok Moony?” Sirius was frowning; he had worry in his eyes. _No. Please don’t pity me. I don’t want to upset you. I need to get out of here._

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He mumbled, tears pricking at his eyes. “Gonna head back to my room....” he waved his hands distractedly, “Headache.” He ran out of the hall, not waiting for their responses. _They hate you. Now you’ve done it. You’re going to be alone again. A worthless piece of shit who doesn’t deserve them._

Tears streamed down his cheeks as he practically ran back to the dorm. He just wanted to turn off his brain. He was so tired.

He ignored the fretful look from the Fat Lady as passed through the portrait hole and climbed the stairs two at a time. He slammed the door and threw himself down on his bed, curling up under the covers.

Away from his friends, he let the tears flow.

_Why do you feel like this? You hate this. You hate yourself. You’re pathetic. You’re so tired, all of the time. You’re so worried, all of the time. What a joy to be around. You’re sat alone in your room because you’re so scared of your friends turning round and hating you. You’re not worthy of companionship Remus, everyone knows you’re just a charity case people feel sorry for. And now you’re sobbing in your bed like a fucking Disney princess because you couldn’t hack lunch because you’re “too tired”. Boohoo. Everyone knows you’re the weirdo in the friendship group. The one on the side-lines. James feels sorry for you. Peter feels sorry for you. Sirius feels sorry for you. You're nothing special to him: how can you be? Poor little werewolf._

“Hey, Moony? Are you in here?”. It was Sirius. Remus ignored his heart lurching and the guilt filling his stomach. _Now look what you’ve done. You’ve made them worry about you. Worthless piece of shit._

Remus sniffled and said nothing.

“I don’t know what happened back there Remus, but I wanted to make sure you were ok.”

_You idiot. As if he’d fall for you. You’ve worried him. That’s all you do. Worry people. What a waste of space._

Remus felt the mattress dip as Sirius perched himself on the edge of it.

“I’m fine, Sirius.” His voice sounded hoarse from crying. _Pathetic._

“You’re clearly not.”

Remus wriggled out from under the covers and wiped his eyes with the back of his hands. “No, I’m ok. Just tired. You can go back to lunch if you want, the others will be missing you. I’m sorry for making you worry over nothing.” _They hate you they all hate you._

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have to apologise for anything Moony, you know that. And no, they know where I am, and they’re worried about you too. What’s up?”

Remus gulped. He didn’t want to worry Sirius any more than he already had. “Really, I’m ok. Just tired. Full moon and all that.” _Guilt guilt guilt guilt you’re making your friends worry about you idiot idiot idiot._

Sirius puffed out a sigh. “Ok then.” He pointed at the space next to Remus. “Mind if I join you for a bit?”

 _Pity. It’s all out of pity_.

Remus shook his head gently. Sirius gave a small smile, scooting in the small space next to Remus. Their shoulders were touching, and Remus tried to ignore how his heart rate sped up.

They sat in silence for a bit. Negative thoughts were screaming in Remus’ head. _He would never fall for you you moron. This is out of pity. Because you scared them all. He’s had to look after you like a child._

Remus barely registered the tears streaming down his cheeks.

Sirius noticed immediately. He reached an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Hey hey hey hey it’s ok, I’m here.” He started rubbing comforting circles; it was too much for Remus. “I don’t deserve you Sirius. I never have.” He whispered, before breaking down into heavy sobs.

“Remus no, don’t think like that.”

Remus carried on, ignoring the tears saturating Sirius’ jumper: “I’m so scared you’ll finally see me for who I am and leave me. You’ll finally understand that I’m worthless and there’s no reason to keep me around. All I do is worry you and I feel so guilty for all you do for me and it would be so much easier if you didn’t have me around and I’m so sorry.”

Remus could feel Sirius shaking slightly and it filled him with guilt. He’d never admitted these things out loud before, and he hated everything that was happening: he hated hearing them said out loud, he hated the effect the words were having on his closest friend. He started crying harder. “I hate myself Sirius. I hate who I am. And I wish I could change and be less worried all the time and I feel guilty all the time. I hate it. I’m so sorry. So so so sorry. I don't deserve you.” He turned his tear-stained face in towards Sirius’ shoulder. “Why am I like this?” He whispered.

Sirius gulped to avoid the tears prickling at his eyes. Here was the person he adored with all of his being; the person he would go through hell and back for if he simply asked, saying all of these horrible things. It killed Sirius inside: he couldn’t let him think these things. They weren’t true. They would never be true.

Remus, with his stupid woolly jumpers and ancient Converse that were more holes than shoe and seemingly always ink-stained fingers and witty sense of humour that nobody expects and his teacher voice he only used when Sirius and James were being annoying. His Remus: the one he fell for two years ago.

Sirius grabbed Remus’ face in his two hands, looking at him with a fierce determination Remus only rarely saw. “Remus John Lupin, you’re going to listen to me. You are one of the most brilliant people I have ever met, and I hate that this is how you see yourself. We adore you. I adore you. If you weren’t around, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.” He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Remus’ lips. “You mean everything to me.”

Remus had suppressed his feelings for Sirius; his brain had convinced him it was pathetic to think like that. Turns out it had been wrong.

Sirius dropped his hands quickly and turned his head, so they were shoulder to shoulder once more. Remus could hear panic in his voice. “I just thought you should know.”

Remus moved without thinking. He grabbed Sirius by the face and smashed their lips together. It was strong, and forceful, like Remus needed this.

Like they both needed this. Reassurance: they had each other. Always.

They pulled apart, panting. Sirius pressed his forehead against Remus’. “I’m here. I’m always here. I’m never leaving you.”

The thoughts had quietened, like Sirius’ words and love were single-handedly fighting them off one by one.

“I know.” Remus smiled.


End file.
